this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
3pm strippers are depressing
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
