we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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