I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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