Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
