well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
