I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
