wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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