he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
