the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I am one with the molecules
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
