I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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