that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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