I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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