Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
