What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
