at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
