So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
