New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
