if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
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He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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