my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize
