You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
