Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
