There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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