I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
