seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
