there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
