if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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