New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
