I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
