Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
