yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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