I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
