I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
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The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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