I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You ruined the universe
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
