you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
