It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
