I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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