Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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