Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We are two peas in an std pod
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
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The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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