The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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