You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
