ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
