I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
