Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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