my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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