I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
