Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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