white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
