Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
