I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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