How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
