the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
