Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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