im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
it was like eating out sand paper
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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