I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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