I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
